A blind merman swims into a bar and orders a glass of clam juice, when the bar tender returns the blind merman asks if he would like to hear a blond joke?
The bar tender leans over the bar and says, “Before you do I must warn you! Over there at the end of the bar is king Neptunes ex-captain of the guards who was fired today, he is blonde. At the other end of the bar is a professional hitshark, he is blonde. My 480 lb door man is in a bad mood because a blind shark ate his wife 3 days ago, she was blonde. I lost my scalp to a sword fish 3 weeks ago, I was also blonde”.
He than asks the blind merman if he still wanted to tell his joke.
The blind merman feels his watch while he is in thought, he then replies, “Id like to share a joke with you guys, but unfortunately I have to leave here in 3 hours and dont have the time to explain it you all you blondes.”
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
“Your workers, theyre escaping!” cries the visitor. “Youve got to stop them.”
“Dont worry, theyll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one oclock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
2 Women chatting in office..
Woman 1:” I had a fine evening, how was
Woman 2:” It was a disaster.. My husband came
home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep..
How was yours.. ?? .
Woman 1:” Oh it was amazing! My husband came
home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After
dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came
home he lit the candles around the house..It was
like a fairy tale! .
At the same time, their husbands are talking at
Husband 1:” How was your evening.. ??
Husband 2:” Great.. I came home, dinner was on
the table, I ate and fell asleep.
What about you ??
Husband 1:” It was horrible. I came home, there’s
no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot
topay the bill; so I took her outfor dinner which
was so expensive that i didn’t had money left for a
We walked home which took an hour and when
we got home i remembered there was no
electricity so I had to light candles all over the
Moral:” Presentation does matter.. No matter what
the reality is..
Q: Doctor, Ive heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and thats it… dont waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; thats like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cant think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good!
Q: Arent fried foods bad for you?
A: Youre not listening!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, theyre permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! Its the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! Round is a shape!