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Meghna Patel (@MegiPatel) tweeted at 9:26 PM on Thu, May 09, 2013:
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A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this … fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued… and won!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.” After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!
A blind merman swims into a bar and orders a glass of clam juice, when the bar tender returns the blind merman asks if he would like to hear a blond joke?
The bar tender leans over the bar and says, “Before you do I must warn you! Over there at the end of the bar is king Neptunes ex-captain of the guards who was fired today, he is blonde. At the other end of the bar is a professional hitshark, he is blonde. My 480 lb door man is in a bad mood because a blind shark ate his wife 3 days ago, she was blonde. I lost my scalp to a sword fish 3 weeks ago, I was also blonde”.
He than asks the blind merman if he still wanted to tell his joke.
The blind merman feels his watch while he is in thought, he then replies, “Id like to share a joke with you guys, but unfortunately I have to leave here in 3 hours and dont have the time to explain it you all you blondes.”
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As answered by some well-known people:
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesnt anyone ever think to ask “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
“Your workers, theyre escaping!” cries the visitor. “Youve got to stop them.”
“Dont worry, theyll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one oclock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“Youre finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.”
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix bim could be used to create new words that describe them:
Bimbabble – noises coming from a group of blondes.
Bimbaffled – constant mental state of blondes.
Bimbait – short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males.
Bimbar – a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait.
Bimbag – a blondes purse.
Bimbrushes – essential equipment in a bimbag.
Bimbastic surgeon – specialist in breast enhancements for blondes.
Bimbeeper – special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes.
Bimbellow – sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard.
Bimbillion – a blonde giving an estimate of anything.
Bimblaze – the result of a blonde trying to cook.
Bimblues – a blondes state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her.
Bimboette – a young blonde.
Bimbonese – language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else.
Bimbonique behavior – airhead behavior, unique to blondes.
Bimboozle – to fool a blonde.
Bimbore – a blonde who uses “like” more than 10 times in a sentence.
Bimbozo – another name for a blonde.
Bimboron – a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes.
Bimbrownie – a well-tanned blonde.
Bimbrunette – a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is.
Bimburden – blonde carrying too many bags at the mall.
2 Women chatting in office..
Woman 1:” I had a fine evening, how was
Woman 2:” It was a disaster.. My husband came
home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep..
How was yours.. ?? .
Woman 1:” Oh it was amazing! My husband came
home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After
dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came
home he lit the candles around the house..It was
like a fairy tale! .
At the same time, their husbands are talking at
Husband 1:” How was your evening.. ??
Husband 2:” Great.. I came home, dinner was on
the table, I ate and fell asleep.
What about you ??
Husband 1:” It was horrible. I came home, there’s
no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot
topay the bill; so I took her outfor dinner which
was so expensive that i didn’t had money left for a
We walked home which took an hour and when
we got home i remembered there was no
electricity so I had to light candles all over the
Moral:” Presentation does matter.. No matter what
the reality is..