A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.”The second was a social worker. She said, “I don’t know the answer but I’m glad we had time to discuss this important question.”The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?”The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?”He got the job.
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
The toughest part of a diet isnt watching what you eat. Its watching what other people eat.
Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
The best way to lose weight is by skipping … skipping snacks … skipping desserts.
Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two … alone.
People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.
The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
Sweets are the destiny that shape our ends.
A diet is what you go on when not only cant you fit into the stores dresses, you cant fit into the dressing room.
A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.
For some, dieting is a weigh of life.
On a diet? Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there.
Its not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, its the seconds.
Its something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we dont gain weight.
The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.
The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If youre thin, dont eat fast. If youre fat, dont eat – FAST.
A blind merman swims into a bar and orders a glass of clam juice, when the bar tender returns the blind merman asks if he would like to hear a blond joke?
The bar tender leans over the bar and says, “Before you do I must warn you! Over there at the end of the bar is king Neptunes ex-captain of the guards who was fired today, he is blonde. At the other end of the bar is a professional hitshark, he is blonde. My 480 lb door man is in a bad mood because a blind shark ate his wife 3 days ago, she was blonde. I lost my scalp to a sword fish 3 weeks ago, I was also blonde”.
He than asks the blind merman if he still wanted to tell his joke.
The blind merman feels his watch while he is in thought, he then replies, “Id like to share a joke with you guys, but unfortunately I have to leave here in 3 hours and dont have the time to explain it you all you blondes.”
As answered by some well-known people:
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesnt anyone ever think to ask “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
“Your workers, theyre escaping!” cries the visitor. “Youve got to stop them.”
“Dont worry, theyll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one oclock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“Youre finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.”
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix bim could be used to create new words that describe them:
Bimbabble – noises coming from a group of blondes.
Bimbaffled – constant mental state of blondes.
Bimbait – short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males.
Bimbar – a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait.
Bimbag – a blondes purse.
Bimbrushes – essential equipment in a bimbag.
Bimbastic surgeon – specialist in breast enhancements for blondes.
Bimbeeper – special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes.
Bimbellow – sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard.
Bimbillion – a blonde giving an estimate of anything.
Bimblaze – the result of a blonde trying to cook.
Bimblues – a blondes state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her.
Bimboette – a young blonde.
Bimbonese – language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else.
Bimbonique behavior – airhead behavior, unique to blondes.
Bimboozle – to fool a blonde.
Bimbore – a blonde who uses “like” more than 10 times in a sentence.
Bimbozo – another name for a blonde.
Bimboron – a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes.
Bimbrownie – a well-tanned blonde.
Bimbrunette – a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is.
Bimburden – blonde carrying too many bags at the mall.
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, Im looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I dont want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“Ill start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and its clear that theyre trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride.
Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we dont have much money and we dont have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thing.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, Ive got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, its not to the French Riviera, its to my folks house in Terre Haute for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. Its not a Mercedes; its a Plymouth.”
“Well, Ive got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”
Q: Doctor, Ive heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and thats it… dont waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; thats like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cant think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good!
Q: Arent fried foods bad for you?
A: Youre not listening!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, theyre permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! Its the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! Round is a shape!